Dalam palat ada manis.

Salam.

Random thoughts at middle of the night. I am suffering from insomnia. I don't know kalau itu memang insomnia atau it just me who overthinking. I feel sleepy but I can't sleep. My eyes won't close and my brain just can't stop thinking. Well, past two days, I  remembered everyone that leaves me. I don't know what to feel anymore, what emotion to show. And yesterday, I was thinking about my future, what I am going to do in the future. My job, my house, my own family, the kids, my guy and how well I'm going to spend the rest of my life. But I hope, I am happy and regret nothing.

This is my life,

I think too much but say too little. I dream of many things but in the end achieve only a few of them, if not nothing at all. I want to be the best in my field but I’m not even half as good as every Foodies major I know. I want to be loved but I push away everyone who tries to do so. I am sick and tired of bottling everything up inside but I refuse to let go. I want to destroy the walls I’ve built around myself but instead I keep building them, brick after brick. People say they like me for my sunny personality but that’s because they don’t know how hard I cry myself to sleep almost every night. Inside, I am hollow and frustrated and scared stiff; but on the surface I am all smiles and laughs. The thoughts in my mind contradict the emotions in my heart. My words may be lovely but they are very, very pretentious. I am a house that looks perfect from a distance, but if you come in close enough, you’d see that my glass windows are shattered beyond repair, my roof tiles are burnt to a crisp, and my interiors are covered with dust and bruised with age. I am a splodge of mess orchestrated in a beautiful way; so much so that others would think I am okay. I am a puzzle without a solution. I am a locked door without a key. I am a person with no definite personality. I am nothing if not a fraud, a hoax. I am a living contradiction, perhaps even the greatest one there is. This is who I am. Sometimes I just really want to give up on myself altogether; but then again, I know I can’t just do that. Because if I did, then what would be there left of me?

*Hmm sebenarnya belum berbuka lagi. Minum air dengan makan tongkeng madu je sebab sensorang dekat rumah dan sekarang pukul lapan doploh*

"Most people die at 25 and are not buried until they are 75"

Fu ! Tersentak. Really deep. Dan mula berfikir, yeah I feel you. Sumpah taknak jadi macam tu. I wanna live my life. I know, shit happens walaupun kita buat benda baik to people, to the society or to the world. But fu em, just do good deeds and if they bullshit about you just leave them. This is life. Yang paling penting, kau kena buat baik. Kalau surrounding kau baling taik pada kau, kau kena fikir sama ada kau nak stay atau pun berambus dari situ. Susah sebenarnya nak ajar orang buat benda baik. So ajar diri sendiri jadi baik, people will notice and try to follow. Pucuk pangkal, diri sendiri. Pilih kau nak jadi apa as a person. Jangan harapkan orang untuk selalu jaga hati kita juga. Sebab kita sendiri belum tentu dapat jaga hati sendiri. It will break. You will feel it. It hurts walaupun kau yang handle hati kau sendiri :) "So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers" Some people will gives you flowers but always remember, flowers will die. 

I am only 21. 

*Hmmm rasa nak night driving jap*

*Alhamdulillah. Kenyang. Sampai rumah tengok ada makanan di atas meja. Hihi. Pehh tadi keluar kemain banyak road block. Cuak bolehhhh..Risau kena tahan. Misai tu panjang sangat, saya takut T.T*

Okay so I am only 21. Tapi aku rasa aku da mula rasa pahit manis palatnya dunia. What do you expect me to do? God. Try switch ayat tu. What I am going to do? As a student. As a daughter. As a sister. As a part of society. As a friend. As a creature. As a person. So list down, jot down something. When you are sad, buat apa yang kau da listkan tu. Ia membantu. Sangat. Bila kau rasa susah hati, pergi buat orang senyum sana. Sebab da sah kau tak mampu nak senyum kan, so apa kata pergi buat apa apa yang bagi orang senang hati. Bila kau dengar orang cakap "terima kasih" dan senyum, kau rasa semua sedih kau lunyai. Or at least paling bangang pun, kau keluar. Point is you need fresh air. Kau kepam dalam bilik berhari hari confirm kau hampir mental. Senyum walaupun untuk strangers. Tapi kalau senyum kau tak berbalas, jangan rasa sakit hati sebab mungkin dia juga sedang bersedih macam kau.

Bila kau perhati, apa yang kau fikir sama macam manusia lain fikir. Cuma, kau tak jumpa manusia tu secara bertentang mata. Dan masatu kau akan cakap "People suck. They don't understand me" Bila kau perhati betul betul, kau akan nampak, pusing pusing apa yang kau terfikir, terbayang, terasa, ada orang yang akan rasa sama macam kau. Cuma dia bukan ada depan mata kau. Dan mungkin ada la selonggok dua je yang ada depan mata. Kita takkan diselonggokkan hidup dengan orang yang sama macam kita fikir, sebab kau nak belajar apa nanti? Kau kena sedar yang kau pergi kuliah setiap hari tu bukan pelajaran yang terlalu penting tapi belajar apa yang depan mata, yang hari hari, setiap masa tu lagi penting dan ye takde orang akan guide kau kecuali kau guide diri sendiri dan janganlah sombong sebab kau ada Pencipta kau. 

Mungkin benda benda macamnie boleh selamatkan kau mati pada umur 25 tahun atau mungkin kau da mati? Kau tahukan taksemua jasad tu bernyawa? Kau kena faham konsep tu. Aku cuba hidupkan semula diri aku. Aku rasa aku juga hampir mati. Tapi aku cuba. Aku tengah cuba. Aku kena cari apa yang bagi aku semangat. Eh aku takjumpa lagi kekuatan dalam diri. Tapi aku kena cari sebab aku taknak mati lagi. Aku masih ada future, walaupun sometimes kepalatan hidup aku buat aku rasa "No i have no future". Jangan risau, kau akan rasa benda macamnie kadang kadang. Kalau kau rasa apa yang kau buat tu selalu betul, kau salah. Mungkin pada kau betul, cuba tengok orang sekeliling kau jap, sebab mungkin kau ada "tertindas" orang sebelah sebelah kau.

Aku cuma harap future aku, aku nak buat apa yang aku suka. Aku taksuka buat apa yang aku tengah buat sekarang. Aku cuba hadamkan tapi macam empty. Betapa pentingnya future sampai aku rasa takut aku jadi lifeless. Aku taknak "mati" lagi.

Duduk dan fikir. Enjoy your time of being alone. Enjoy the silence. Distance yourself. Build a wall and think. Open up your mind. Fikir. Kau akan nampak.

Cukup la sampai sini dulu.

Nota kaki : Taktahu kenapa sejak dua menjak nie aku macam into dengan life. Aku rasa mungkin aku nak masuk fasa minda bahlol kepada pematangan minda dewasa. Dan harinie aku rasa aku sedikit gembira sebab aku karaoke semalam dekat youtube dan ye, aku deactivetekan diri dari alam maya sebentar dan tadi aku dikerumini manusia asing \m/